You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
