i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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