God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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