Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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