It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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