Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
