so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
