No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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