Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
