I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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