You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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