Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
