Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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