I'm eating all of the evidence.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
