I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
