Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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