hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
