Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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