never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you didnt know i had herpes?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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