I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
