it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
if only i could text you this smell
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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