Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
