My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
