i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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