Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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