just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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