Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
