I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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