It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
