remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
