The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
