i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
