she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize