4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We had sex on a dog bed..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
