apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
