Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
