dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
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