Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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