Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
