I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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