I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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