Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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