Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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