Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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