Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
