I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
