2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
we're so committed to being not committed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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