She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
