Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i came on her dog
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
