i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
