Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
