Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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