I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
