You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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