I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
